KATV Channel 7 - The Spirit of Arkansas: Virtual Vigil

A new study reveals that the Internet is changing the way that teenagers are dealing with grief. Experts say that the online interaction is giving teens a new way to find comfort when something tragic has happened.

Mike, at age 16, was a true friend taken too early. He was killed after clowning around with a gun.

The loss of a friend has become all too familiar in teenage circles... Many kids are learning the hard lessons of grief at an early age.

"It just took a piece of my heart that one of my friends has gone and that, I still can't believe it happened to, like, me," says Paul, age 19.

"One thing I learned about grieving... in all of this is that there's seven members in my family and each of us grieve differently," says Megan, age 22.

"My parents... I didn't really talk to them a lot about it because they didn't know him like I did... they knew him from a parent perspective, but were always there you know, if I needed to cry or something," says Katie, age 17.

Shocked by mortality and coping with what is often their first traumatic loss... Kids often seek solace in a friend and on today's social networks.

A new study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin looked at how students grieved online after the 2007 campus shootings at Virginia Tech and Northern Illinois University. Students say they felt better by sharing their grief online in virtual vigils and Facebook groups.

And experts say even younger children may need some extra time with friends.
"You give the child some space... some time to deal with it in their fashion... and if they appear to be dealing with it well with peers and other folks in a way that you don't understand... then perhaps that's best for the child," says Frank Batkins, Ph.D., a board-certified psychologist.

Whether comfort is found online or in person, many kids eventually come back to parents, for security and support.

"I was real glad to have my parents there because I didn't have to worry about anything. You know, I felt real secure with my parents being there," says Megan.

What We Need To Know

Children today are faced with a variety of stressful situations that their parents rarely encountered as kids. From school shootings to the terrorist attacks to the death of a classmate, these traumatic experiences have even caused some teens to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

In order to determine whether or not a child may need extra help in dealing with a traumatic event, it is necessary to talk with him or her about the tragedy. Don't automatically assume that this should be left up to school counseling staff or health-care professionals. Often, it is easier for children to talk to their parents about personal feelings rather than confide in a stranger.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention provides the following tips for helping your child cope with tragedy:

• Talk with your child. Provide simple and accurate information to his or her questions.
• Share with your child your own feelings about the event.
• Listen to what your child says and how your child says it. Is there fear, anxiety or insecurity in his or her voice? Repeating your child's words may be very helpful, such as "You are afraid that ... ." This helps both you and your child clarify feelings.
• Reassure your child: "We are together. We care about you. We will take care of you."
• You may need to repeat information and reassurances many times. Do not stop responding just because you told your child once or even 10 times.
• Hold your child. Provide comfort. Touching is important, especially during this period. Close contact helps assure your child that you are there and will not abandon him or her.

The Nemours Foundation Kid's Health offers these additional strategies for providing support to your child in times of tragedy:

• Let your child talk about the traumatic event when and if he or she feels ready. It is important not to force the issue if your child does not feel like sharing his or her thoughts.
• Reassure your child that his or her feelings are normal and that he or she is not "going crazy." The support and understanding that you provide can help your child accept his or her most frightening emotions.
• Encourage your child to get involved in a support group for trauma survivors. Check your local hospital or mental health association to locate a group close to you.
• If you suspect that your child is suicidal, get professional help immediately. Thoughts of suicide are serious at any age and require prompt and effective intervention.
• Let your child make simple decisions whenever appropriate. Because traumatic events often make a child feel powerless, you can help him or her by showing your child that he or she has control over certain aspects of his or her life.
• Tell your child that the traumatic event is not his or her fault. Encourage your child to talk about his or her feelings of guilt, but don't let him or her blame himself or herself for what happened.
• Stay in touch with your child's teachers and friends.
• Do not criticize regressive behavior. If your child wants to sleep with the lights on, it's perfectly normal and can help him or her soothe himself or herself.
• Take care of yourself so that you are well equipped to help your child. You can't be supportive if you are neglecting your own emotional or physical health.

If you think your child is having serious problems with grief and loss, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry suggests looking for the following signs:

• An extended period of depression in which your child loses interest in daily activities and events
• Inability to sleep, loss of appetite and a prolonged fear of being alone
• Acting much younger for an extended period
• Excessively imitating the dead person
• Repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person
• Withdrawal from friends
• Sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school

These warning signs indicate that professional help may be needed. A child and adolescent psychiatrist can help your child accept the death and assist the survivors in helping your child through the mourning process.